Friday, November 16, 2007

Big Zeds.

Habibi snores. He always has. It's the way he's built. In any position, and without a trace of alcohol in him, he snores gently, or breathes peacefully, occasionally snuffling like a newborn baby. Adorable. But with a late night glass of wine or beer inside him, he snores like a good-un, like a tractor in a field down the road. Anything more, and we get road works, a digger, a combine harvester, an ancient central heating boiler that rattles, roars and shudders with terrible force................... and intermittent silences of almost eerie intensity. Give this man spirits, and I could sell tickets.

When we stay with friends or family, they look at me with sympathy, and him with something approaching awe. Overnight camps are a real community experience.

Over the years, he has tried pillows, throat/nosedrops and snorestrips; while I have tried pillows, muttered requests, sharp commands, nudges, earplugs, cotton wool, headphones (with cotton wool), headphones (soft background music), ear-protectors (yellow ones), separate beds, separate rooms and over-the-counter sleeping pills. Also lie-ins, afternoon naps and early nights. Vitamin B compound. Deep breathing. Visualisation.

Over the years, at 3 and 4 and 5 o'clock in the morning, I have considered divorce, murder and suicide. Made tea. Made sandwiches. Read. Blogged. Written miserable diary entries and farcical rhymes. Gone for walks. Cleaned out the fridge. Ironed.

I have lain next to my darling husband and trembled with cumulative fatigue, distress, self-pity, fury and loathing.

What I want to know is: how the hell does he sleep through it?

I really wish the alarm wasn't set for an hour and a half hence.

Help? Anyone?

P.S. Sorry honey.

9 comments:

Keefieboy said...

Keefieboy is sulking. Quietly.

MamaDuck said...

Ahhh bless....... ;)

nzm said...

Peg on his nose?

nzm said...

No alcohol?

(tee hee)

nzm said...

He sleeps during the day and you sleep at night?

Mme Cyn said...

I think there should be a pre-marital checklist and full family history to see whether or not the spouse to be is going to turn into a snorrer... surely he didn't honk like that before you were married (or is it indelicate to ask?)

Kate Walker said...

Tried putting him in pyjammies with a ping pong ball or some such stuck to the back? Apparently people are supposed to snore only when lying on their backs. (I accept that Senor Keefie - Hi Keef! - may be an exception to this rule!) If lying on the back is uncomfortable because something is digging in, they roll onto their sides and the snoring stops.

Or so they say.

Certainly I find that pushing an elbow under the BM until it makes him roll onto his side works - but it does seem that Keef's snoring - like so much about him - is larger than life.


Kate

MamaDuck said...

First, Thanks to the Sisters!

nzm: I love you but you're mean to my habibi! But Option 3........

MmeC: Actually, he did. (Blush!)
I guess love is deaf too, or optimistic!
Perhaps vicars should gloss the small print: for better or worse..... wossat than, yer reverendship? Ah well.

Kate: I read that too. Nope.

Well, I've got crummy middle-aged eyesight. If I go deaf in old age, there will at least be a compensation!

Keefieboy said...

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