Now there was a time when they used to say that behind every - "great man", there had to be a - "great woman", but in these times of change you know that it's no longer true, so we're coming out of the kitchen, (This is a good thing, as otherwise my beloved couldn't get in there, and I would get totally fed up of a diet of fried egg butties - Even though I make excellent fried egg butties.) 'cause there's somethin' we forgot to say to you: Sisters are doing it for themselves; standing on their own two feet, and ringing on their own bells. ..........
Now we ain't making stories, and we ain't laying plans, 'cause a man still loves a woman, and a woman still loves a man................... Habiiiiiibiiiiiii!
P.S. Oh, and this may be a foolish move, but since I generally mean what I say, and more or less manage to say what I mean, and I'm sure none of it really matters anyway, I thought I'd quit hiding behind my adorable little duckie. But for all her fans, I give you the one, the only,
See you at the Oscars!
At first, it's simply a very handsome municipal garden; but what's that on the right, just beyond the tidy lawn, the extravagantly curvilinear pansy border, and rather restrained topiary?
They seem amiable enough. Trees don't eat people in real life, do they?
Of course not. See, this researcher is perfectly calm, and not trembling at all.
See? Positively complacent. (¡ja ja jaaaaaaa........!)
Come closer señora.
Closer now.....
Don't be afraid.....
You're perfectly safe..... (fnafnafnmmm.... hic! .....sorry.. nothing, really.....)
Shall we dance?
We have a chaperone, after all.
.....My card..........
Oh.. Mediterranean Cypress. Not scary at all really.
Still.......
Then, when you've recovered, and only need half a pair of glasses, why not try a classic look?
And of course, since you close one eye for the important stuff anyway, you can still enjoy your favourite leisure pursuit, with no concessions on style or standards.
- and now -
Thank you Wikipedia ..........and.... I'd better go hone a new metaphor....... I mean key.
So, first read over your CV file, which you have of course diligently reviewed every six months since you completed your education, sometime in the last millennium. (You haven't? Well, pshaw to you too!).
Now, what exactly do you want to do with it? (Sorry. What is your objective?) Do you want to apply for a job in the same field?......... in a different field?............ apply for a particular job vacancy?
Does your CV fit the bill? Yes?
Brrrrrrringggggg! Go straight to style*.
(Er, what?
Later*.
OK.)
If not, what's the problem? Underqualified? Overqualified? Too young? Too old? Unemployed? Fired? Gaps? Inexperienced? Criminal record? No degree?
Don't fret. Be positive. It's not just what you've done, it's what it says about your character, strengths, and potential value to the employer lucky enough to land you. It's not just what you say, it's also how you say it. It's not just what you put down, it's how you lay it out.
Et cetera!
And now, balanced precariously as you are between optimism about your innate fabulousness, and anxiety about the intricacies of the above, perhaps you would like to consider whether the appropriate style* for your CV is: Chronical, Targeted, Combination, CV, Inventory or Functional?
_____________________________________________________________
OK. I've stopped.
Speaking as someone for whom the term career might have been invented (Consider it as a verb rather than a noun.....) I present a bit of a conundrum for a prospective employer with formal procedures and conventional expectations. I have been involved for an extreeeeeeeemely long time in community work, community arts and arts education; sometimes it's been paid work, sometimes not; sometimes freelance, sometimes on contract; but always productive and satisfying. Add to that the fact that, for over a decade, virtually every project or contract has come via referral, and the CV has been something of a formality; and it becomes apparent why, this close to my 50th birthday, I find myself consulting websites on how to fill in a CV that conveys all of the above as energetic, multi-faceted, etc. rather than...... something less marketable....
It's actually been a very interesting exercise. In common, I think, with most people, I find networking and self-promotion quite unsettling, but I do understand that if you don't lay out your stall properly, potential customers will pass you by. When it comes to creating what I sincerely hope will be an effective CV, it's at least as stimulating as a sudoku puzzle - and I like sudoku! What gets me is not the listing and highlighting, the boxing and bordering, and the honest business of selling the product (me!). It's the gimmickry of goal statements and what I shall call dynamic jargon.
Habibi regularly receives emailed CVs (or biodata - not a term I'd heard of til I came here)
......
OK: tangent time!
(It did not bother me that a company that I used to work for counted its employees as 'work units'. It was a big, well-run, 24/7 company, and no-one ever actually called me Work-Unit 2222 to my face. However, quite apart from the fact that the term 'biodata' does not strike the ear with either the self-confidence of 'CV' or the gravitas of 'curriculum vitae', it says 'Work Unit' to me.
It says that the person who puts this term at the top of her written representation of herself has been conditioned to see herself as a mere cog, a drone. That kind of conditioning would also explain the whipped puppy eagerness of the 'goal statements' which pant across the page, scattering 'Pat me! Pat me!' promises in all directions.
I'm out of practice. This is coming out sour, and, I think, disingenuous. If you come from a relentlessly competitive background, an employment culture of survival of the fittest, and have seen both the rewards of success and the price of failure, then of course you will have absorbed the attitudes, and the language, which such a culture generates. But it can be counterproductive if recruiters from other cultures read it through their own cultural filters. My English reluctance to sell-sell-sell would probably play as arrogance or complacency to a recruiter from an aggressively go-getter culture. Let the Games begin!
Exit Tangent now. Do not pass Gravitas. Collect Jargon.)
...As I was saying, Habibi regularly receives emailed CVs (or biodata!) couched in extraordinary language, much of it mishspooled. I've already dissed goal statements (In the tangent. If you skipped it - sorry!), but let me get to what I'm calling dynamic jargon.
I have two sections entitled 'Responsibilities' and 'Achievements'. Fine. So I'm responsible for this, that and the other, and have achieved the other, that and this. Yes? No!
But it's true!
Yes, but it doesn't convey your energy, your focus, your achievements!
......m-my ..responsibilities....?
Such as?
Erm, administration, stocktaking, bareback-riding, disembowelment..
No, no, no! You must be more dynamic!
?
#$(%^&!!!! (sigh) Have you considered - enabling? facilitating? maximisingoptimising?
I -
inititatinginstigatingimplementingintegrating?!
Actually I -
Incubatingresonatingtabulating?!
?!
Inflitratingexculpatingcoruscatingmasticatingsyncopatingadumbrating! Calibrating! Amputating! Mutilating! Flagellating!
VACATING!
- I beg your..... Where did she go?
So, dynamic jargon. I know it's just the current convention, and presumably it indicates some level of professionalism to HR personnel awash in a CV sea, but I suspect that it started off as someone's strategy to make sure she stood out from the crowd. Now we all have to do it!
By the way, I shamelessly cannibalised fairly typical advice from a variety of sites. The one I recommend, and include some terms from, is CVTips.com. They are not to blame for the way I used said terms: I really did need guidance on how to put a CV together, and theirs is the most straightforward and thorough of the bunch. There are some typos here and there, but the advice is realistic, and free, and they have templates in different styles and for different purposes. Don't hold any of the above against them!
circulatingpropagatingcelebratingvalidating...hallucinating..medicating
Note: While the shelf unit may be free-standing and empty, a richer experience may be anticipated if the unit is in a corner close to walls and a door, perhaps next to a worktop surmounted by a microwave oven or similar; and the lower shelves of the unit filled to capacity with crockery (bowls are particularly effective) , storage jars, and smaller kitchen appliances.
2. Raise arms above head, and remove cardboard seal from front fascia of winebox, creating an opening.
3. Insert fingers into opening and locate circular plastic valve unit set into foil winebag.
4. Grasping valve securely, pull through opening in front fascia.
5. When valve becomes jammed behind cardboard, pull firmly.
6. When button on front valve gets stuck on corner of cardboard, thus releasing a narrow but powerful stream of red wine over your upturned face, gasp in manner reminiscent of asphyxiating fish, and lower head to enable wine to pour over back of shirt. Do not release grip on valve.
Note: Shirt, though absorbent, will not measurably protect floor, but may be neatly wrung out later, or used in creative tie-dye experiment. (This is particularly effective, if you have had the forethought to choose a shirt of aesthetically pleasing hue, known to tone or contrast well with red wine stains.)
7. With head thus lowered and both arms still raised, use one hand to balance winebox and other to further manoeuvre valve, in order to fully pull it through the opening in the fascia, thus releasing button and stopping flow.
8. When flow unaccountably increases, vocalise loudly, taking care to keep head lowered as in #6. Vocalisation may take whatever form deemed appropriate to the situation: grunts and whoops may serve; shrieks are perhaps more appropriate for freshly chilled white wine, but research in this field is limited, and findings remain inconclusive; profanity may seem appealing, but in this writer’s view has no place in the realm of Science; clear enunciation of the name of a companion within auditory range is perhaps most practical, particularly as #10-12 require the services of an assistant.
Note: Gasping, or the involuntary and abrupt intake of air, is not recommended, due to the potential for an involuntary intake of wine into the trachea, with results which must necessarily be a distraction in the subsequent critical stages of the experiment. The spectacle, familiar in various wine-producing cultures, of the waiter imbibing a stream of the local elixir from a bottle or carafe raised high at arm’s length, requires rather more rehearsal and control than can be claimed in this early experiment.
9. At this point, take note of the fact that the valve is now in one hand, the winebox in the other, and the entire contents of the internal winebag, responding to gravity and atmospheric pressure, are now cascading over the shelf unit and your now dripping form, and bouncing exuberantly in all directions. This indicates the unlooked for separation of valve from bag, and the need for the services of the above-mentioned research assistant. Continuing to employ selected vocalisation technique, until you have elicited a proactive response from said assistant, (See #8) take a firm grasp on the winebox with both hands, and in an instinctive bacchanalian sequence of movement, transfer it first toward, and then away from, you, to end with the box resting on its back on one outstretched hand.
10.At the completion of this manoeuvre, atmospheric pressure will continue to drive the remaining liquid from the winebag, but the earth’s gravitational pull will initially cause it to be contained inside the winebox. However, as the perhaps misleadingly titled ‘winebox’ is not, in fact, designed to contain liquid unassisted, the continuing play of the previously cited forces will fairly rapidly generate a minor vinous fantasia from the now compromised seams and edges of said winebox. If you have continued vocalising through #8-9, your research assistant should now be on hand to observe and assess the situation, in preparation for practical engagement.
Note: Since this is your first foray into applied fluid dynamics (outside the environs of the shower or swimming pool), it is important to remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to respond. Be spontaneous! Exercise the mysterious creative power of human ingenuity, a power which has engendered some of the most felicitous scientific discoveries, and wonders of civil engineering, even as it continues to baffle scientists!
In consideration of likely feelings of physical fatigue, or the onset of temporary hysteria engendered by the excitement of scientific enquiry compounded by the exercise of an unfamiliar breathing technique, you should now delegate management of the winebox, indeed, of the remaining stages of the experiment, to your research assistant.
11. Having assumed this responsibility, your assistant may elect to adopt a supine position directly beneath the flow, in a manner reminiscent of the waiters cited in #8. As the stream widens and diverges, you may perhaps choose to do the same.
Note: Disregard anxieties that your action might compromise your findings, as there are a number of features of your laboratory space, and, indeed, of this experiment, which may already have invalidated it for the purposes of publication in scientific journals. You can address these when evaluating this important initial work, and preparing your grant application.
Alternatively, your research assistant might choose to transfer the winebox to a large, liquid-proof vessel, and/or attempt to reinsert the errant valve. While this course has much to recommend it, it would be advisable to ensure that the winebox remains on its back.
12. Once you are both satisfied that all is complete, you have a number of options:
OK, I admit it, I nicked this image from Adventures in Dubai, and he nicked it from someone else, but the reason I've nicked it is to direct you to Moryarti's post on the subject of Burj al Expati al Arabi. Burj Raju Al-Aghati, Burj al Boris Evanonovi, Burj Al Dubai Taxi & Transporti, and Burj al Constructor al Alabori.
which I still haven't seen, but I'll get to it sometime soon (anything involving Morgan Freeman - ooh!).
